J. M. Johnson Consulting

I know a woman who wanted to feel that she had some control in most situations.  Some might have said that she was a control freak.  She wanted to know what was happening and how it was supposed to happen.  She felt that having control of herself and her environment was reassuring. Once, she had to have surgery.  It was a surgery that customarily called for general anesthesia. She had a lengthy conversation with her physician and the anesthesiologist.  They strongly encouraged her to go with the general anesthesia while she lobbied for a regional anesthesia.  With the regional anesthesia, she would be awake and in “control.”   The experts acquiesced and proceeded with the regional anesthesia.

How do you think that worked out?

How many times have you expended precious emotional and intellectual energy trying to control something that was really out of your control?  It is an exhausting undertaking.

I optimistically think that most humans know that they can never fully control every aspect of their environment.  Believing that we have control does make us feel safer, more secure and snug. We tend to believe that we have control and influence over outcomes, the behavior of others and the thoughts of others.  It is truly healthier for me to remind myself on a regular basis, that much of what is going on in the world around me is neutral. Therefore, no need for me to try to control or influence it.  

It is important to know what we can indeed control.  If we truly had no control over anything in our lives, we would feel powerless, depressed and hopeless.  The problem arises when we do not know what we can and cannot control.  Feeling out of control is unhealthy. There is indeed, a delicate balance.  When we need to feel in control of everything at every moment, we set ourselves up for disappointment and distress at every turn.

We all feel the need to be in control in certain situations. Feeling out of control is definitely not healthy. People who feel out of control develop a state of learned helplessness (i.e., they quit trying and give up). But is feeling in control healthy, even if it is only an illusion? On the positive side, perceiving unwarranted control leads people to experience positive emotions and try novel, challenging tasks. There are situations over which we do have control. We need to feel a certain level of control in order to survive and thrive. The key is knowing what you can and cannot control.

At times, we are fearful and that leads us to feel that we need control at EVERY moment. When we feel that we must have control at EVERY moment, we tend to self restrict and we end up losing out. We might avoid certain events that might be very enjoyable.

Homework:  1. What is it that you can control?

                     2. In the past, what have you tried to control, only to find that your efforts were not fruitful?

I will let you know what happened to the woman who wanted to be in control during her surgery in part 2 of ” The Misconception of Control.”