J. M. Johnson Consulting

When being too private and thinking you are invincible is like biting off your nose to spite your face.

In January 2018, I had surgery.  It was an extensive surgery and the recovery period was long and painful.  My inner circle and some of my intermediate circle knew about the surgery.  Whenever my closest friends and family asked me how I was doing and if I needed any help, I did not tell the truth.  I said “I’m okay.”  Or I said “I’m coming along.”  Not once did I say, “My pain is so severe that I have been crying off and on all day.”  Nor did I say “yes, please come over and keep me company.”  On a couple of occasions, I did accept food from friends.  While my husband was an excellent and devoted caretaker, I never told him how terrible I was feeling.

I am a relatively private person.  I am the “suffer in silence type.”  I am a strong person who tries to be independent and self-sufficient.  That is why I never exposed myself as one who was in pain and in need of the support that had been offered. 

While I chose to suffer in silence and keep my close friends and loved ones in the dark about how I was feeling and what my needs were, I was feeling neglected.  I felt abandoned.  I felt sad.

The road to recovery was long and hard.  It was just as difficult as my doctor warned us it would be.

Before I was to return to work, I posted on Facebook.  I posted a photo of me with my youngest grandchildren.  I talked about how they were the best medicine during my recovery.  I wrote that I was thankful for all of the support and well-wishes offered during my difficult convalescence.  To my astonishment, scores of people said that they had no idea that I was having such a hard time.  Many people were hurt that I did not reach out to them.  Others were surprised that I had not told them about my situation.  In retrospect, I know that they would have supported me.

I had an epiphany after that post.  How “crazy” was it for me to feel sad and abandoned if I had not told people how I was feeling?  How “crazy” was it for me to expect my friends and family to read my mind?  Very much so. My thought process was “everyday crazy.”

I had been suffering from what I call the “superwoman, pride, and privacy syndrome.”  I had felt very proud of how strong and independent and self-reliant I had been.  These feelings led to the inability to share my needs.  These feelings led to my becoming so private that I had not let my inner circle nor my intermediate circle know my needs.  This also leads to not sharing with an extended sphere of potential support.  Women, especially African American women suffer from this syndrome.

How often do women do themselves a disservice by not sharing their needs?  Frequently.  How often do we expect our friends and family members to figure out what we REALLY need?  Often.  I have come to the realization that if I do not A-S-K I will not G-E-T.  Asking for help is not weak.  Asking for help demonstrates strength.

It is time to remove our capes.  We are human.  We have feelings.  We are not invincible.  We are not unbreakable. At times, we need help and support.  We need love.

Jennifer McClellan Johnson, MBA, MSSA, LISW-S

October 12, 2019